Motherhood

Family don't read this please! There's talk about my lady parts and it would make me uncomfy for y'all to read this! Thx!

The scariest moment of my entire life was when the doctor told me that I should have a c-section. It's not at all what I had planned. I was determined to have my daughter naturally and without an epidural. I wanted so badly to shove it in everyone's face that said I couldn't do it. But I swallowed my pride that day, because my daughter's wellbeing was far more important than my pride. I did say no actually, to my doctor. But I should probably explain more.

It was the morning of July 7th, I was 41 weeks and 3 days pregnant. I had been having contractions for weeks and was dilated to 3 cm. Honestly, she probably would have come early if it weren't for all the people cramming their hands in my pussy to check my cervix all the time. (I had multiple labor scares and they demand to check your cervix to admit you). Those cervical checks were intense and stressful, and I was always told that your body might think you're not ready to go into labor if you're stressed. I even had a membrane sweep, which was more painful than anything I think I've ever experienced. 

Anyways, I had an appointment for that morning to have an ultrasound to make sure my daughter wasn't getting too big and that she had enough amniotic fluid surrounding her, since I was way overdue. I was in labor in the lobby, but it wasn't too painful so I wasn't like...screaming. I told the nurses I was for sure in labor this time, and they brushed it off and took me for my ultrasound. 

Welp, on the ultrasound she was measuring 9lbs 14oz, which is fucking huge. I'll tell you what, I was freaked out. I have a tiny cooch, if you're wondering. So I don't think my daughter would have enjoyed squeezing out of there. Like it's not abnormally tiny but like...nevermind. Moving on. 

My doctor came in looking like someone shot her fucking cat in the face, and looked at me and said, "She's measuring really big, and I think at this point we should do a c-section. But not me, because I'm tired."

She didn't feel she could do my c-section since she had delivered a baby only moments ago. I was thrilled, since I didn't really like her anyways. She was a fear mongerer. Tried to tell me I could die if I didn't get the Covid vaccine during pregnancy, freaked me out when my daughter had an EIF, which is basically a harmless calcium deposit in the heart that showed up on the ultrasound one time. I wasn't a fan of her to say the least. 

My doctor kept telling me that my daughter could be in danger and so could I, but refused to tell me why. I just cried and cried and cried since I knew that she would be absolutely useless when it came to explaining anything to me. We left and went over to the hospital next door to get me checked in. 

When I tell you I was terrified, that would be the biggest understatement imaginable. I got checked in after 30 whole minutes. Let me tell you, hospitals do not care if you're in pain, in labor, they probably wouldn't even care if I had her right there in the lobby. The only thing they care about is whether or not you have insurance and if you have a pulse...actually nevermind, they don't even care about the pulse. 

And when you think you're in labor, or even when you know you're in labor, they demand to do a cervical check, multiple actually. And it sounds pretty harmless, but just wait till you're pregnant ladies, you'll see. It's where a nurse or doctor comes in and they shove their whole hand (or at least that's what it feels like) into your vagina to feel how dilated you are. They would not admit me until I was 6 cm, I was still a 3. We waited for hours in this tiny room, and they put me on the most uncomfortable bed, one I was all too familiar with since I'd had several labor scares before this. 

I ended up calling my stepmom in the bathroom (they tell you to go pee in a cup everytime you come in), completely hysterical. I told her that they wanted to do a c-section because of how big my daughter was and how I was absolutely terrified. I talked to her for about 30 minutes in that bathroom, the nurses must have thought I was crazy, crying so loud in there. I wanted my parents there so badly. Melissa (my stepmom) told me that I should try having her naturally. I wanted to, and I knew that a lot of the time doctors will just suggest a c-section because it's quicker for them. I didn't know what to do, so I just went back to my room to think and talk to my husband, Nolan. 

Let me tell you, being 41 weeks pregnant is not fun. You need to switch positions every 5 minutes at least to not be in pain. They had two monitors strapped to my belly so that they could monitor my daughter's heart beat and my contractions. My contractions were a minute apart, and my daughter was as happy as a clam up in there. Me however, I was miserable. Not because of the contractions, but because my daughter was so heavy that if I wasn't completely vertical it felt like my spine would snap. I had never felt so huge in my life. By the end of pregnancy I was about 170 lbs, and at the start of pregnancy I was 105 lbs. I think the average weight gain during pregnancy is around 20-30 lbs, soooooo yeah, I felt like a house. 

After a few more hands went up my pussy, I was over it. I demanded to be induced and told them my doctor had recommended I have her today, and they told me no because they hadn't recieved the recommendation from my doctor themselves. Well after a whole lot of fighting they gave in and scheduled an induction. By this point, my contractions were picking up and I was in shock. Not because of the contractions, but because the thought of a c-section was still in my head. I had asked to be induced, which meant I still wanted to try delivering naturally. They would break my water manually and deliver pitocin through an IV, which is like synthetic oxytocin (the chemical in the body that starts labor or increases contraction intensity). This wasn't my plan. This was never my plan. I hadn't planned for this. 

My husband didn't want to leave my side but he needed to get our things from our house, which was close to an hour away. The thought of him not being there was scary, but I told him to go and that I'd be okay, even though it felt like there was a bowling ball in the pit of my stomach (there literally was). Nolan kissed me goodbye and assured me that all would be well, and with that he left. 

I sat there listening to all of the noisy hospital equipment. Not very welcoming or comforting, let me tell you. Melissa called me again, wanting to check up on me. She really helped me through the process. I was laying there shaking like a leaf, waiting for a nurse to come in snd put in my HEP lock. In my birth plan I put that I didn't want a HEP lock, due to the fact that needles sometimes cause me to have a literal panic attack, so unless absolutely necessary I didn't want one (since I was going the natural route). For a c-section though, you have to have one, so they insisted on it since we were already talking about it. I felt like I wasn't in control anymore. I felt like I had to do whatever the doctors wanted. 

Suddenly, a bubbly nurse with a blonde, bouncy ponytail came in with all the stuff to poke me with. I started to get short of breath (and not because of my daughter anymore). She sat down and asked for my hand, and I told her how scared I was. Nurses don't care. They hear it all the time, how scared people are of needles. But I'm different, it's a phobia. 

I literally skipped out on my recent pap appointment because they wanted to run labs on me that same day, I literally canceled the appointment, so yeah, I'm terrified. 

Anyways, the nurse stuck me on top of my hand about three times. It was worse than my contractions. Everything was worse than my contractions. Finally, after about 15 minutes, she got it set properly. She then explained how she was going to go get a different nurse to take me to a room in labor and delivery. I nodded as I tried to slow my breathing down, my adrenaline was through the roof.

There aren't words in the english language to describe what it feels like when the doctor places your newborn baby on you for the very first time, but I will try my very best to describe it to you. 

When you fall in love and have those lovely butterflies in your stomach, when you're on a roller coaster and you reach the top of the hill looking over the entire park, when it's the first day of spring and the warmth of the sun kisses your face, when you finally discover yourself for the first time, when the leaves start to shift into their autumn outfits, and when you jump into a pool and the water is warm instead of cold. It's all of those feelings, all at once. But none of them at all, because nothing can compare. 

When I first heard my daughter cry, life no longer felt real. I thought that I had to be in a dream. I couldn't feel my toes (seriously I couldn't, they gave me a spinal), my heart was threatening to come thrusting out of my chest and my lungs could barely contain oxygen. It took about 2 minutes to finally see my daughter, since they had to go and make sure she was okay before bringing her over. It was the longest 2 minutes of my entire life. I would have said it was 10 minutes, but I know that it wasn't. But finally, they placed her onto me and I stared at her in complete shock. Yes, my birth experience was extremely traumatic, but she made it all worth it, and I'd do it 100 more times if it meant I got to have my daughter. 

I don't think I cried, only because I was already crying. I had been completely hysterical and hyperventilating during the whole procedure, so it was hard to tell why I was crying. But I think it's safe to say that I was crying because of everything. Every emotion coming at me in a whirlwind, a hurricane. My daughter was so unbelievably beautiful. Holding your child that you just spent 10 months (yes, the math actually adds up to 10 months not 9, not sure why they say pregnancy is 9 months long) growing inside of yourself is the most surreal thing you will ever experience. The euphoria is so extreme you feel like you're on every drug available (and you basically are, especially if you've had a cesarean like I did). 

But the best part about giving birth? Your heartburn goes away immediately. ;) 

Being a parent is not for everyone. I think we all know this. 

We see people around us with children who truly seem to despise parenting and even despise their own children. Their children are disrespectful and won't listen, and seemingly the parents can do nothing about it. The children run the show.

This is something parents seem to not realize. That their children are their own person. Yes, you can consider your child an extension of yourself, but you need to recognize that your child has their own desires and needs, and you should parent accordingly. Now, obviously if your child insists they need to eat dirt, you shouldn't let them, but you get the point. 

I think there is a happy medium in letting your child be their own person. Give them the freedom that they can handle responsibly at whatever age they are at, but not so much freedom that they end up being the parent. 

Like I said, I see too many parents being run by their little ones. It's not the child's fault however, it's the parent's fault, as they should set up proper boundaries with their children that are easy to follow and understand.