Sex
Now, I hesitated even putting this one on the website, but I realized I must. I hesitated because I know that family will most like wander on or stumble upon this website, and dear god I don't need my father reading about my sex life. (So dad, if you're reading this, please...don't?) But, this is not really going to be about my sex life, it's going to be about my sexual experiences and how they've impacted me. It's going to be about how women are forced into sexual boxes and the boxes I've willingly chosen to jump into sexually.
My dad used to tell me, "Boys only want one thing". And I hate to say it, but he was right. I should have believed him, since you know, he's a man. Unfortunatley, I only realized he was right after the fact.
So, if you're family, I'd suggest sitting this one out. I want to feel free to share my experiences without worry, so for my sake (and yours) please go away.
With love, Your pure, innocent family member that is really just as uncomfortable as you are right now :)
The One Where My Guy Best Friend is (almost) Married and He's a Dirtbag
I feel bad for including this story in my website, I feel terrible as I write this, but it needs to be here. I know for a fact feelings will be hurt with this one, but it's important that I tell this story. It is a vital part of my timeline when it comes to discovering myself as a sexual being. I hid this story for a long long time, but now it is avalible to anyone with an internet connection. To some of my closest friends who know this story all too well: thank you for listening to it, and thank you for being a part of my healing. I will change names for this story, even though the man who is being described here is a terrible person who deserves to be outted, as many of you probably know him. But, for the sake of others mentioned in the story I will keep his and their names hidden.
~~~
TW: Sexual Assault
I believe I was 15 going on 16, or 16 going on 17. Either way, it doesn't matter. I took a photography class, thinking it was going to teach me something useful about capturing the perfect portrait, or landscape. It didn't. The whole class was a complete blow off, so I had a lot of time to socialize. I recognized a face within the class, David. I knew his fiancé, we had been pretty close for a good while and sat together at lunch, she even came over once and we hung out in a cemetary behind my mom's boyfriend's condo. That was until I started hiding away in the choir room during lunch as to avoid my crippling social anxiety. Sometimes David would come by during lunch and stand at the edge of table and join in on conversation. He seemed like someone I'd want to be friends with. Friendly, not overly annoying, nor did he seem like he had any ulterior motives.
It was the first day and I sat next to David. The classroom wasn't much of a classroom. It was a computerlab with a big round table at the front. I was late, and the only seat left was at the front round table where David sat, and another guy named Seth, who would eventually join in our little friendship.
After the teacher stopped talking, David turned to face the table and noticed me next to him. He seemed pleased that I was in the class. "Oh thank god, I thought I'd just be stuck with Seth all semester," he chortled. David found himself so funny. It seemed like the only one laughing at his jokes were him though.
We grew close, David, Seth and I. But especially David and I. He seemed like a genuine, caring friend. He talked about his fiancé all the time, he never seemed interested in me, ever. I even told him once, "I think I like Seth, is he going to homecoming?"
He seemed so excited that I liked Seth. He encouraged me to ask him to homecoming, and he would even poke fun when I acted shy around him. It should have been completely obvious that I wasn't into David.
I asked Seth to homecoming, and he said no. Bummer. It definitely sucked being rejected, but he certainly didn't seem like the "homecoming" type anyways. He was super laid back, and a senior at the time. So he'd probably been to plenty of homecomings. Or, I was just ugly to him, one of the two! Anyways!
The point is, I was into Seth, not David.
Spring break came around and my parents were encouraging me to spend time with friends and do something fun. None of my friends were available so I spent most of spring break in my room playing video games and writing. But at the tail end of spring break, David messaged me on Instagram asking if I wanted to hang out with him and his fiancé. I immediately lit up, I was stoked. Someone actually thought of me to hang out with? I was excited to spend time with his fiancé, Amanda, again. I looked up to her in a lot of ways. She was pretty, bubbly, and just an all around good person. I always wished we had grown closer as friends, she always made me smile and laugh.
I begged my parents to let me go. I told them that they were going to pick me up so they didn't even have to drive me! They hesitantly approved and I got ready as David and Amanda drove to my house to pick me up. My parents gave me a second phone with a tracker on it, they seemed suspicious. They even wanted the address I'd be at.
Finally, a car pulled into my driveway and I ran out to it. David was alone, there was no Amanda. "Where's Amanda?" I asked before opening the door to get in.
"Oh, she decided to stay at the house to clean up a bit before you came, so I decided to come grab you. Don't worry, she's at the house." He smiled warmly and patted the passenger seat, wanting me to get in. I did, but something told me that things weren't right. Unfortunately, I was so insecure at the time that I refused to even listen to my own intuition. My dad ran out before we left, he wanted to meet David.
"What do you guys plan to do today?" My dad asked, he was suspicious.
"We're just going to go hang out with my fiancé, Amanda. I'm sure Kenzie told you that already." David said in the nicest tone he could muster. (People still refered to me as that back then, yes.)
My dad interigated a little longer before shaking David's hand before we left. (Let me tell you, don't shake a man's hand when you intend to do bad things to his daughter, that's all I have to say, it's disrespectful.)
And off we went.
~~~
I was usually so comfortable around David, but now, sitting in his car alone with him, it was different. It was the most uncomfortable I'd ever been. I didn't know what to say, so I just stayed quiet. Until, I couldn't take it anymore and asked the only question I could come up with.
"How's Amanda?"
His face didn't change, it was flat and looked almost defeated. And of course, he made it about him.
"We're fine I guess, we've had some issues lately." He paused for a good long while, maybe he expected me to pry, but for some reason I didn't. I felt like it was personal, something Amanda wouldn't be okay with him sharing. He shared anyways, "She won't put out enough, and we got into a fight about it."
My eyes got wide. Why would he talk to me about his sex problems with his fiancé? I was a virgin still, and didn't know the first thing about sex. And now, at the ripe age of 21, I know that he probably meant she wasn't letting him use her as a sex doll every single day. At least that's how it seemed.
"Um.." I began, not knowing how to respond.
"She said that if she didn't put out enough that I should just go find another girl to fuck." He chuckled, as if he was trying to get himself to be ignorant enough to actuallly believe she meant that.
I actually chuckled, but not for the same reason he did. "I don't think she meant that, it sounds like she was just angry."
He nodded thoughtfully, "Yeah, but she seemed pretty insistant."
I couldn't picture Amanda being insistent that David go bang another chick. That just sounded like something David made up in his head as an excuse to cheat.
I didn't say anything, but David wasn't done. "Do you know any hot girls that would...you know? Any friends of yours?"
I was absolutely appalled. I couldn't believe he actually thought I'd help him cheat on my friend. Sure, I hadn't talked to her in a while, but that didn't mean I'd fuck her over like that.
"No." I said sternly, keeping my eyes forward, as to not give away the fact that I was furious, and also a little scared.
The rest of the car ride was just David trying to get me to tell him that it was okay for him to sleep with someone else, it was disturbing how badly he wanted to cheat. The car ride was 10 minutes, but it felt like an eternity. When we got there I pushed the door open so hard that I thought it might fly off, man was I excited to see Amanda. Maybe I'd tell her. David seemed to be in a rush as well, maybe he wanted to make sure I didn't tell Amanda. He knew he was wrong.
He led me down the hall and he opened the door to reveal a completely empty apartment. No Amanda. Nobody. I looked back at David, who put on the fakest "omg I forgot" face in the world.
"Oh yeah! I forgot that Amanda is actually on a vacation in Florida!"
I'm not fucking kidding, this motherfucker seriously said that. Who would believe that?! I knew right then why he'd brought me there. Now I was really scared. I didn't say anything, I was just dumbfounded. I wanted to text my parents, but if I told them about this they'd know that Amanda wasn't here and think I lied. I couldn't tell them.
"You can take a seat on the couch, I'm just going to clean up a bit." He pointed to a loveseat in the corner of the living room. I slowly made my way over to the couch and sat down. David began cleaning up, as it was quite messy. He made small talk that I don't exactly remember since the whole time I was trying to think of an excuse to go home. I wanted out of this. After about 15 minutes of uncomfortableness, he came and casually sat down next to me.
"So you really think Amanda didn't mean what she said?" He asked, again. I shook my head, I could barely speak at this point. "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"
Not kidding, he actually asked that. "Um..what are you thinking?" I wanted to cry. I'd never been in a situation like this before. He was clearly way stronger than me. He was going into the military, there's absoluely no way I could overpower him. I was 100 pounds soaking wet.
He didn't say anything, and suddenly he quickly got on top of me and forcefully kissed me. Literally stradled me like a chick. Yes, I kissed back, because I was scared. I was scared to tell him to stop. But he could tell I was uncomfortable, so he leaned back and told me he'd be right back. He jumped off of me and ran to the bathroom.
There I was again, in total silence. I was shaking like a leaf, completely paralyzed. I definitely knew at that point. He had brought me here to have sex with me. He didn't even ask, he just forced himself on me.
I feel bad for kissing back to this day. I wish I would have been stronger and said no. But I didn't, I was too scared. David seemed like the guy that always gets what he wants, and if he doesn't he throws a fit. I don't know if I could handle his type of fit.
I suddenly heard him clipping his nails in the bathroom. I knew what that meant, and I began to tear up. He came out a few minutes later in basketball shorts (he was in jeans previously) and a huge smile on his face. Man, I wanted to slap that grin right off his face.
He said nothing and he just picked me up and started carrying me into another room. Again, I just stayed silent. Scared to say no. He plopped me down on this twin mattress on the floor in the middle of a bedroom. I could tell he didn't care how I felt. He was so arrogant that he just assumed that everyone wanted to jump his bones. I wish I would have gotten up and screamed at him. I wish I would have hit him. I didn't.
He pulled off my shirt, unhooked my bra and started kissing me all over. When I say I was dry as the desert, I'm serious. I was as stiff as a board, clearly uncomfortable. He didn't care. He bit my nipple so hard that later on when I got home, it was bleeding (for real). He forced my hand down to touch him, and everytime I pulled away, he put my hand back. I had never touched a penis, and I definitley didn't want to touch his. He aggressively touched me through my pants, like really hard. It hurt a lot. I felt as though I was going to be raped. I felt like I wasn't going to get out of this.
Suddenly, I said something, finally. It wasn't what I was expecting to say, but I did. I'm not kidding when I tell you that I said, "Let's get Taco Bell." It definitley caught him off guard. So much so that he backed away from me a bit.
"Really? You don't want to keep going?" He asked, seeming offended.
"Maybe after Taco Bell." I chuckled nervously, hoping he would say yes so we could leave this God forsaken apartment. Maybe I'd ask a literal stranger to drive me home. All I knew it I needed to get out of there.
He pushed for me to stay, even when I finally said no. It was a battle that I finally attempted to fight. It worked, finally. Maybe this is why I love Taco Bell so much.
He got up in a huff and put on his shorts. I sat up, covering myself with my shirt. I'd never felt more violated or exposed. Nobody had ever seen me topless, and I had been insecure my whole life. The only person who had ever come close was my sophomore year boyfriend that had touched my boob under my bra one time in his basement, other than that nobody had ever touched me. I quietly put on my bra, trying to keep myself covered at the same time. I felt so ashamed. I felt like I'd done something terribly wrong. That it was my fault.
~
Once back in the car, David began blaring Five Finger Death Punch as we drove to Taco Bell, and the entire time he was attempting to touch me in the same way as before, and it was still just as painful. This dude just would not stop. I squirmed in my seat each time he reached over, hoping he'd get the hint but to him it was me saying, "yes! That's the best feeling I've ever felt. Please, if it seems like I don't want this, just lie to yourself and pretend I do!"
We got to Taco Bell, and I got some much needed relief when he ordered, as he stopped trying to rub my clit off my vagina. I'm serious, it could almost be considered female genital mutilation.
I convinced him (somehow) to drive me home after we got the food. Maybe he finally realized that I too, was not going to put out. At least not without a serious fight. But, that didn't stop him from aggressively attacking me between my legs with his hand. I continued to shift uncomfortably in the passenger seat, I couldn't get any closer to the door.
We were so close to my house, relief began to wash over me. Until, he began to slow down and turn into the Wendy's near my street. I looked over at him, wanting an explanantion. I thought maybe he wanted a burger or something, but instead, he parked in the parking lot. He cranked FFDP so loud, I couldn't even yell over it to ask what we were here for. Suddenly he grabbed my face and started kissing me. I felt like this was a never ending loop, a nightmare I'd never escape. How would I ever get home? Would I?
He made me grab his penis (for anyone wondering, it didn't seem big, so he didn't even have that going for him either, I could be wrong though) through his shorts again, everytime I'd try and pull my hand away. Then, finally, my phone rang. I took the opprotunity and quickly said a quick (atheist) prayer in my head, hoping for it to be my parents. And it was! They had texted asking why I had stopped in the parking lot of Wendy's. They must have watched my location carefully, and for once, I was grateful for that. I practically shoved my phone in David's face.
"My parents want me home! Please take me home." I basically begged as he turned down Ivan Moody's screaming (lead singer of FFDP for the nerds that don't know). He sighed and pulled out of the parking lot.
I lived on a looooooong street, and David drove at a literal snail's pace on it while he tried to get in my pants one last time. I wanted to fucking scream. I should have just gotten out and walked the rest of the way. I seriously don't know why I didn't.
Finally, we were in my driveway. I sat there awkwardly gathering my belongings. "Thanks for the Taco Bell," I said awkwardly, opening the door, about to get out.
"Wait," He said chuckling, "where's my kiss?"
I almost puked in my mouth, I wish I did so that I could have spit it in his fucking face.
~
My parents went out of town the following weekend, and you want to know what David messaged me?
He had the nerve to text me: Want me to come over and finish the job?
There Really is a First Time for Everything
So this will be a very fun one to write, because in hindsight, everyone in this situation was a idiot. Anyways, enjoy!
~
At the end of my junior year of high school, I was horny, just like every other girl at 16. I was ready to get my shit rocked, so to speak. Just kidding. I literally wanted to have sex just to get it over with so I could stop worrying about it.
My stepmom had made friends with someone she'd hired and she had a son who was single. I think he was 18 at the time? I'm not exactly sure to be honest. His name was Jared (which is his real name actually, but it was spelled in such a ridiculous way that I refuse to write it as such). My stepmother gave me his number after she had conspired with his mom, trying to get us together. It worked. I liked him, a lot. He liked me as well.
Let me tell you though, I was extremely insecure at this point in time, so my standards were really low. And Jared would never be someone I'd ever consider dating nowadays. And to think that at one point I thought he was my one and only. Smh.
Jared was the type of guy that was extremely white, but would say the n-word unironically and look over his shoulder to make sure a black person didn't hear so he wouldn't get beat up. Jared was the type of guy that unironically wore a shirt (to my grandmothers house by the way) with a big styrofoam cup of lean on it. If you don't know what "lean" is, it's pretty much Sprite mixed with cough syrup, and Jared apparently wanted to tell everyone in his enviroment that he indeed, drank lean for fun. What an amazing guy to know!
Jared drove his mother's minivan and used other people's unused gift cards to take me places, since he refused to get a job and had no money. I shockingly learned, while out to dinner at Macaroni Grill with someone's 30$ gift card they didn't use, that his best friend and him did heroin together and his friend died right in front of him of an overdose! While his friend dying is sad, yes, I did find it wild how he thought I'd be receptive to the fact that he did heroin. And I was! I felt bad for him and convinced myself that he wasn't like that anymore and would never do drugs. I never told my parents, although that would have been funny since my stepmom was the one to introduce me to him.
At this point in time, I asked my parents to get me on birth control, and I was told no. So I did what every single teenage does when they have no access to birth control. I had sex anyways!
Jared and I had spoken a lot about wanting to have sex, but our parents were aware and watched us like hawks. He was required to keep his door open at all times, and if he was at my house, we were to stay out in the living room. We found a few open windows for me to sneak a handjob into the visit (under a blanket), and he even fingered me for a bit one time after my parents had gone to bed and I was told to kick him out for the night. But, even with all this sexual tension, we were having an extremely hard time finding an opprotunity to have sex.
But finally, the parents made a mistake. We were at his house and it was getting dark. He was to have me home by 9 pm, it was 8:15 pm. We were 30 minutes away from my house, so we had 15 minutes to make it happen. His parents were on their way out to watch fireworks, since it was the 4th of July, and we told them we'd be leaving right behind them. Jared and I pretended to get ready to leave as his family gave us hugs and believed every word. As soon as the door closed behind his family, we bolted upstairs in a cloud of lust and basically ripped our clothes off.
Now, when I was that age, I was very scared of anyone seeing me naked, so I made sure it was dark. He put on a condom and we had sex. I thought it might be at least a little pleasurable? Nope. It felt like someone shoved a cleaver in my pussy, and I kind of just laid there wincing the whole time. Thankfully, he lasted for a total for 20 seconds (I have never said that until now). As soon as he seemed done, I literally became a linebacker and shoved him off of me. I'm not kidding. The poor guy probably felt terrible to be honest.
I said nothing as I scurried around the room looking for my clothing that I tossed in the darkness. My very expensive bra was hiding from me, so I covered my tiny, mosquito bite titties with my hands rummaging through Jared's stinky boy clothes hoping to find her (my bra). I finally found it and put it on as quick as possible.
~To be continued~
2 Years in the Sahara
Soooo for this one, most of you will know who I'm talking about I think? I mean he's my ex and I was with him before and after high school. Let's call him "Adam", since his real name starts with an "A", is four letters long, and it's so recognizable that anyone who reads this would know who he is.
Y'all know why this section is called "2 years in the Sahara" right? You get the joke? Well if you don't, let me tell you: my coochie was dry as fuck for two years straight. Like dry. Adam was a two pump chump, and is terrible at sex. Never once made me orgasm. He tried to tell me that I had a problem, and I believed him! (That is until I met my husband who would make me orgasm three times a day if I'd let him). Adam is the type of guy who likes to try and stick his dick in dry, no foreplay required.
I honestly think that he needs to see a doctor, I'm serious. He never lasted more than a minute, and that's being very generous. It's really not normal to never build up stamina, ya know? And he should have, since we had sex quite often.
When I broke up with him and told him that part of the reason I left his ass was that he was terrible in bed he said, "Well your pussy is so bad that I purposely made myself cum fast so it would be over quicker!" Right bud. You really got me there. That's totally how that works.
Another reason the sex was so bad is because he's a Jabby McJabber. That means he just slams his dick in you and hits your cervix the whole time. Yeah, worst 30 seconds ever.
Another thing is, I like to be dominated. It's hot when a guy dominates you. Well Adam was not capable of that. He would come up to me and in the whinest voice he could muster, lips pouted he'd ask, "Can we have...sex?" It was the biggest turn off ever.
He expected me to blow him all the time but wouldn't go down on me, at least not without a whole lot of complaining first. (I thought it was because my pussy tasted bad but my husband devours it and loves it so I think Adam is just a lazy little bitch). Also, he can't say I'm bad at giving head either, because why would he ask for it all the time if it sucked?
This is also super sad on his part. Since he couldn't make me cum (he doesn't know what a clitoris is) I had to buy myself a vibrator right? Like duh, it's either that or I cheat on you, your choice. (Some people might think that's harsh, but sex is really important to me and if you refuse to care about me in bed, I will dump you or at least think about cheating on you). Well, he was jealous as fuck of that vibrator. His masculinity was so fragile that he was jealous of a tiny, purple pocket-rocket bro. So I would sneak off to the bathroom in the middle of the night just to orgasm (which took only 30 seconds for me to do, so I knew it was possible).
So the point is, don't sleep with him, he's not worth a second of your time.
This isn't about sex, but it is worth mentioning that he had the IQ of a literal Kleenex. It was so difficult to interact with him that I wanted to blow my brains out at times. That's another reason I left him, he was just so dumb that I couldn't take it. So here's a tip, if you have an IQ higher than the average (100), don't be with someone lower than the average (he had to be like 70). My IQ is 128, two points away from being a genius, so that might also be why I felt suicidal in our relationship. It's hard enough being with someone of average intelligence (for me), but it's a death sentence for me to be with some below that.
Adam is a walking red flag that drowns himself in pot and video games, what an interesting life he leads.
In all seriousness though, I have Adam to thank for showing me what I don't want in a partner. You should be recieving equal pleasure if you're having sex. And it's totally okay if you have sex centered around one person once in a while! But both partners should be having fun! Sex is supposed to be fun ladies, so if he's refusing to pleasure you and he expects you to pleasure him, DUMP HIM!
The Smallest of Hoe Phases
After breaking up with my 2.5 year boyfriend who was completely unaware what a clitoris was (and probably is still unaware to this day), I quickly jumped on Tinder and decided to fuck my coworker at the tattoo shop I worked at.