Terminally Online

I have been planning this for a very long time. I used to tell myself, "Someday! Someday I will delete all of this and go offline!" And finally, I have. Like I said, I have taken short breaks, but never have I decided to stop completely. Today is the first day that I am detoxing my terminally online brain.

It's hard, it really is. Addiction is hard, whether it's to a drug, a person, or social media. It's so easy to pick up the phone and get lost online for hours at a time, and before you know it, your whole day has been wasted. I'm done with that.

When I go offline, I find myself opening my phone and mindlessly scrolling my home screen for several minutes, looking for my social media apps. My brain is programed to need constant stimulation. It craves it. I constantly check my phone, hoping that I've recieved a notification so that I can get that tiny hit of dopamine.

This takes time, I know. I like to compare it to when I quit vaping. I would constantly get the urge to hit my vape or even search for it, months after quitting. I still do this to this day, and I've been off nicotine for more than a year now.

My ADHD symptoms, especially my hyperactive ones, are worse. I'm jittery and my brain craves more stimulation. My brain cannot remember a time that it couldn't get instant gratification by just opening an app on my phone.

It. Just. Takes. Time.

It's been five days since I officially deleted all social media. Although, I must confess that I briefly went on my Instagram, but only to deactivate it. I thought you could only delete Instagram, so I just left it up and deleted the app, but then I discovered that you can deactivate it, much like Facebook, so I did exactly that. I don't count that as me going on social media, obviously. I didn't even check my notifications for the app, I tried to look for nothing more than the deactivate button.

It's been going better than I expected, partially due to the fact that I've been reading House of Leaves, which has been compelling enough for me to not want to go on social media. It's been difficult though, just not nearly as difficult as I thought. It is, however, particularly difficult when feeding my daughter, since she only want's to nap during the day while on the boob, so sometimes I am stationary for hours at a time with her, which certainly makes me want to scroll Facebook especially. I would read during those hours, but if you know or have seen the book I'm reading, you'd understand why that might not be possible while feeding my daughter, not to mention that I like to make notes and highlight my books.

It hasn't been hard to stop myself from logging back on, I am certianly dedicated. I've gone through too much to go back now, and I refuse to start this process all over again. Like I said in the very beginning, I am a bad person when I am on social media, and to go back on social media would mean me becoming an asshole all over again, realizing it, then starting the detox all over again.

One thing that I've realized is that if you do not hold a social media presence, you do not exist. All of the "friends" I used to communicate with through social media have not reached out, not even the people I talked with very regularly. Before I deleted my accounts, I posted my phone number on my Snapchat story, informing all that if they wanted to chat with me they could add my number. I did recieve texts from two people, surprisingly, that I barely ever talk to. They told me that they had gotten my number from Snapchat and that was that, nothing since. Now, I do not expect people to reach out to me, they are in no way obligated to do so. However, I just wanted to point out the fact that social media only exists to validate people's existence, and like I said, if you aren't present, you have simply vanished and no longer matter.

This has actually brought me some sense of peace, I think? But it's also very lonely. You realize how little people care about you. It's only been five days though, so maybe I'm wrong (I don't think that I am) and people will begin to message me out of the blue.

Another thing that has been a big shock to me is deleting Snapchat. I have never once gotten off of Snapchat, as I never truly saw it as a form of social media (even though it very much is). I would feel the need to document and post every detail of my life, every time I picked up a new book, every photoshoot, every time I got even remotely dressed up, every thought inside my noggin, it was all to be posted to my story. I kept making excuses as to why this was necessary. Until the only reason I took photos was to post it for other people's validation.

My husband told me after I deleted social media that he had absolutely no problem taking pictures of our lives, our daughter, or just the two of us, but he had always disliked my need to post said pictures. He wished to take pictures not to post them, but for us. Now I'm noticing that I take less pictures, and the ones that I do take make me happier, because they are for me. I validate my own existence, and I do not need to get validation from Facebook friends, Instagram followers, or Snapchat friends.

I think the hardest part of all of this is not that I no longer can mindlessly scroll on my phone, but realizing that nobody truly cares about me (besides my few family members, husband, and child). There's only been one person to reach out to me on their own and ask how I'm doing, and although I appriciate that one person greatly, it doesn't change the fact that I feel insignificant to others if I don't have an online presence.

Now, I've always been quite a "loner", if that's the word for it, I suppose. However, I do find that word rather cringy, so forgive me for using it, as I will also try to forgive myself. I like to be alone, and I definitely come by it honestly, as my father is extremely fond of his alone time. I prefer to remain unbothered by text messages, calls, and especially Facetime calls. That is until I don't prefer it, which is about every few days. I like to be left alone (by everyone) for a few days at a time. I hate when I recieve a text when I want to be alone, because as someone who suffers from anxiety I feel obligated to reply, even if I don't want to.

I'm trying to get to a point where I unabashedly don't respond if I do not wish to respond. I always respond eventually though, which make me wonder if I'm responding simply because I don't want people to think that I hate them, or is I'm responding because I want to?

Anyways, I'm rambling.

Life has been rough, I think? Having a 4 month old baby is not for the weak, that's for sure. I love my child to death, and giving up social media has made me realize how much of her life I was missing. While yes, I am a stay at home mom and I'm with her all day, I now realize that I was never really there, if you know what I mean? I was always thinking about social media and wondering what the person I was currently arguing with on Facebook was going to say back to my witty comment on their dumb post about how "Women with body hair are gross". I dont think about that stuff anymore, and it's refreshing. I'm able to look inward and rely on myself for assurance and love.

The drama has been eliminated from my life, which has felt very uncanny. I've lived my life surrounded by drama, as everyone who has ever been in my life seems to thrive on it, and I used to as well, so don't think I'm shitting on anyone. So it truly takes some getting used to, the peace I mean. Of course, I still have issues in my life, but no longer are they fake. They are real, human issues. I will take real, human issues over Facebook "issues" anyday. At least when you work on your real, human issues, you grow and change.

Facebook has never allowed me to change, at least not in a positive way.

This is going rather swimmingly if I do say so myself. I sometimes have to remind myself that I'm even doing this to be honest. I woke up this morning and when I made myself coffee and sat down I thought, I should post about how I finished House of Leaves! Then I realized that I had deleted Snapchat (the place where I'd frequently mind dump). I also reminded myself that I had read House of Leaves for me, not because I wanted to post about it. Some days I don't even think about social media, other days (usually when I'm stressed) I want to return. I think I almost did the other day, but I didn't, and that's what matters.

I've been more productive while off social media as well. Well, as productive as one can be when juggling a teething 5 month old.

As great as being offline can be, I still have days where I feel like a fucking dumpster fire. Today, for example, has been actual garbage (so far), mostly because being a mother can be frustrating. That's the thing about social media, you think having a baby is all smiles and rainbows, because no "good" mother would ever post pictures and videos of her little one screaming. So everyone (that's childless) thinks that parenthood is some grand cakewalk. Don't get me wrong, being a mother has been the most fulfilling job I've ever had in my life. Watching as the tiny human you made learns how to be a person is absolutely incredible. I've never experienced such joy before. But, there are moments where you want to rip your hair out (literally), moments when you would kill you get one millisecond of peace, and if you have postpartum depression like me, there are moments when you honestly just don't want to be alive. The screaming becomes a little too much, the refusal of milk becomes too much to bear, and the 10 minute naps are deteriorating your sanity little by little.

That may sound extreme, but with someone with ADHD, I get overstimulated way quicker than neurotypical people, which can be very difficult with a baby. In those moments where things get overwhelming, you sometimes have those thoughts about not being here, even if that's something you'd never do. I also breastfeed, so that can be overstimulating as well. Five month olds like to grab with their little fingers with their razor fingernails, completely annihilating your milk sacks. Five month old babies also love to kick you right where the doctor sliced you open to deliver the little bundle of joy, making it all the more difficult to fully recover! They also love to flail their little arms, smacking you in the eye, and sometimes even slicing your cornea!

Oh motherhood. How wonderful it can be. Seriously, it is wonderful. You know when it is wonderful? When you walk into the room and your child gives you the biggest smile, because they're so happy to see you. When you give your baby kisses and nuzzles and she laughs because they tickle. When your baby is crying and stops as soon as she's given to you, and she curls up to your body to get milk. When you hold her and she's sleepy, so she just rests all of her body weight into you because she feels safe and comfy. When she finally hits a milestone that she's been trying to get to and her face lights up as you cheer for her. When she wakes up slowly in the morning and gives you a huge smile as you go to say good morning to her, because she's just so happy to see you. It's wonderful. There's truly nothing like it. I can complain about the bad stuff and the sacrifices I've made, but the good things make it all worth it. Is it easy? Absolutely not. It's not for everyone. But it is for me. no matter how stressful it can be.

Anyway, I've completely stopped talking about social media haven't I? Aha. Oops.